on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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