She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
