Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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