So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
