I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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