You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
i think i just lost a toe
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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