my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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