Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
