can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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