I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
