On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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