duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
