how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
It all started with a game of naked twister.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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