i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
worst night to have a conscience
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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