I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
