im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
