You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
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you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
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I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
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