I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
