Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
