You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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