I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
you're hired as official boob wrangler
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Randomize
