At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
What changed your mind?
Being sober
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
