the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
