If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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