I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Randomize
