I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
