apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
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Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
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Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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