I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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