apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
