Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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