So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
