My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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