this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
