I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
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Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
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I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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