I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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