Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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