He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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