I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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