Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize
