i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
