i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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