using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
