The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
