remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
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