I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Randomize
