I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
