i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
