I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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