I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
two words...techno handjob
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
