Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
