and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
