the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
