I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
