time to smoke my breakfast
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Someone shattered a urinal.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
