How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
