some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
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