Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
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