it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
