i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
